


Thoughts: Song-inspired Crisana fic

by zitrolena



Category: SKAM (Spain), Skam España - Fandom
Genre: F/F, song-inspired crisana fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 07:10:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20327158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zitrolena/pseuds/zitrolena
Summary: Song inspired crisana fic with the song "Thoughts" by Sasha Sloan.~ When Joana wakes up and hates herself and Cris is there for her.~ Hope you like it!





	Thoughts: Song-inspired Crisana fic

**Author's Note:**

> The bold words are lyrics from the song and I'd recommend listening to the song while reading or afterwards. It's a really good song mixed with a perfect ship.
> 
> Posted it here on tumblr first :)  
https://zitrolena.tumblr.com/post/186211654061/i-was-so-excited-to-post-this-idea-this-is-my

The feeling hits me when I look at my reflection in the mirror of the bathroom. It is a sudden burst of fire in my chest, the kind that makes you burn from within until nothing is left but this feeling of complete emptiness. The flashy light makes my face look even more not like myself.** _I just don’t like what I see. All the way from my head right down to my feet. _**I don’t like the person in front of me. The purple hair that I didn’t wash for 4 days because I couldn’t bring myself to do so. And the nailpolish that I already almost bit off even though I just colored them today. I feel like a **freak**. _**I wish that I thought differently**, _but I can’t help myself. What good am I to anyone when I wake up after a night with Cris and the first thing I do is hide in the bathroom? Who would want that? Cris shouldn’t. And one day she’ll understand and leave. She’ll be better off without me anyways.

I wanna shout into the void at the thought of not being with her and dig one of my fingernails into my palm. _._ She’ll leave. One day, she will.. She will. She will. She will. And I’ll be alone. I try to let myself remember that I’m in love with her and she’s in love with me and that she’s not running away. **_I swear to God I’m tryin’ _**to think of everything good but **_I just can’t control my thoughts_**_._ I hurt myself because **_I don’t know how to be a good friend to me._**And no matter how much Cris shows me that she loves me and wants me to be in her life, I can’t stop the thoughts of her leaving. _**No medication’s ever made them stop **_either.

“Joana?”. Cris’ voice is at the other side of the door, a little worried but still with a light undertone. She sounds a little sleepy but also really happy. When I looked at her in the morning, I couldn’t stand looking at her for a second longer. She seemed so happy. So calm. So soft, with those cute freckles that are sprinkled all over her face at the moment. All I could think was that she’s so beautiful and all I am is a mess.

I press my head against the door to be closer to her even though I don’t want her next to me. I want her to leave but I don’t want to be alone either. I want to hold her but not see her. I don’t know what I want. I am a freak. “You okay?”

I sighs. I’m a burden. I’m a burden and Cris knows it. Cris knows and she’ll leave. She’ll leave because I’m just too much.

“Hey you”, Cris voice becomes softer and louder as she leans against the door as well. I can only imagine her ear pressed against the doorframe hoping that I said something and she just didn’t hear, but I think she knows what’s up. I’m always impressed with how good she manages my mood swings. She knows so much about my BPD and we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t because of her. Love is important, but so is strength and Cris has a hell of a lot of it.

“I’m not good enough for you”. I say those words without thinking twice and I’m actually surprised by my own courage. “All I do is fuck things up”. My words are true, probably the truest portrayal of the feeling I have so often when I think about Cris.

“No!”, Cris sighs and I can hear her fingertips touch the wood and it feels as if she is touching me too. “You always find a way to build up my self-confidence. And you make me feel so fucking special that I sometimes really wonder who I was before you. You changed everything and turned my world upside down in ways I can’t even explain. I’m so much closer to my friends now and so much closer to myself because of you”. She lets her head fall onto the door _“**All you think of is everything you’re not, instead of everything you’ve got.**”_

They stay like this for forever, not saying anything but listening to each others breath and knowing that every breath meant the same as an “I love you”


End file.
